I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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