THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
