Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
