oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
