I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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