Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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