so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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