I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
