Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
