You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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