my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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