I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
