He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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