before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
