I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
