half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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