im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you didnt know i had herpes?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
