also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
