plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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