If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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