Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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