Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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