Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i think my cat just said my name.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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