They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
