Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
