You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
