Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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