i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
