Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just pynch a tree in the face
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
