Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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