I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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