I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
