so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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