she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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