So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
