he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
