I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
