She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
