We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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