I think I died a long time ago.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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