Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
