Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
