omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
