They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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