And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
