Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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