proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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