I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
