well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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