last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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