Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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