I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
