I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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